Worst Advice for Introverts

Dear Friends,

In a recent comment to a post of Robin's, our friend, Tanita Davis, shared a link to last Friday's Dear Abby column that could have been written by any one of us.  It was a from a newly published introverted author looking for some advice about how to deal with the limelight. Unfortunately, Abby's response fell short of the mark.  "Short of the mark" being a generous euphemism for crash and burned.  Read it here.

I had a stab of deja'vu while reading Abby's response, recollecting all the bad advice I've been given over the years by well-meaning folks that were trying to help me "out of my shell." Had I the proverbial nickel from every person that was preoccupied with the separation of me from my afore-mentioned shell--well, I would be awash in the little suckers.  And, may I just **holler** in a quiet way a moment here that being separated from one's shell is a very bad idea!  Whenever I heard someone say that to me, I imagined being a tiny buck naked turtle body, sans the protective hood, all aquiver.  

Which serves as seque to one of the worst pieces of advice I was ever given about overcoming my fear of public speaking.  Which is not necessarily an issue for all introverts, but t'was for me, a shy introvert.  Imagine everyone in the audience is naked. 

Now, what kind of person or personality finds that soothing or calming in any possible way? Desperate to succeed, I imagined rows and rows of disrobed bodies and I found it only served to completely spike my blood pressure. A better visual for me is "Imagine everyone is asleep."  Or even, "Imagine the entire audience is in a coma."   Okay, now I can breathe!

Second worst piece of advice I've gotten?  Mingle.  This gems goes right in the "How To Torture Your Introvert" manual.   Those not understanding the way we are hardwired falsely assume that it's the intimate one-on-one conversations that send us shrieking into the night. Better to flit around and don't get too involved with anyone, they suggest.   Or, worse still, let me take you around and introduce you to everyone, so you don't feel so shy.   Sure, and then why not just paint me with jam head to toe and sit me down next to a giant hill of red ants?

So, there's two of the Worst Pieces of Advice for Introverts, and let's hear some more!  I want to get a good list going, and we'll post a link in our sidebar as a public service to us all.   Tanita, thanks for inspiring this post!  What have you been told in your life by friends, family, perhaps a colleague, editor, agent, or even Dear Abby?  

And, let's all send out a giant, gentle mental net to the poor author that wrote the letter to Abby that she will find our community here so that we can all support her. 

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I was missing my grandmother bad today as I celebrated Easter.  The woman could have written the book on dealing with shy, introverted children.  Heck, she should have toured the country as an expert! Whenever she and my grandfather (or any relatives), would come to visit, I would race into my bedroom and hide in the closet.  In the pitch dark. Better that than suffer the onslaught of all the hugging and kissing.  After a while, Nana would tiptoe into the bedroom to bring me a cookie. She would hand it to me through the door-- vertically, not horizontally-- so I didn't have to open the door too wide to get it.  Later when I would finally come out, she wouldn't make a fuss hollering "Well, THERE, she is!"  She'd hardly look at me until I was ready.  Loved her a lot.  Miss her like the dickens.  We need more like her.  Let's be like her.

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I read YA author John Green's An Abundance of Katherines this past week, and adored it much. I think my favorite part was when the main character and his friendgirl-turned-girlfriend were sitting together in this hideaway. The author used this marvelous convention to describe places in their conversation where they weren't saying anything, but they were saying everything in a non-verbal way.  As in:

 ". . . "

 " . . . "

I think this is so brilliant and while it wasn't specifically written as the language of introverts, I'd like to adopt it.  It speaks volumes.    

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We have four volunteers so far to share their favorite indies with us in May.  Any other takers? This involves going to your indie bookstore, taking a photo, and doing a brief interview of your bookseller.  As Robin mentioned, in addition to bringing some much deserved attention to their fabulous work, those of you that nominate someone OR agree to spotlight their work for us will be eligible to be in our drawing to win a $50.00 gift certificate to Indie Bound.  

Hope you all enjoyed a restful and renewing Passover and Easter.  And, if your holidays were a tad low on the restful and renewing, do be kind to yourself and re-charge.

". . . "

Mary 

On Finding Your Own Way to Success

Ask a hundred writers or illustrators or inventors or Olympians how one can achieve success, and you'll get that many different, enthusiastic and evangelical responses. It is a condition of our humanity that we each are enamored with our own hardwon path, and want to share it with EVERYONE. And everyone should follow it-- because we do love to be right and we do love to help.

Author John Green and his brother have devoted themselves to a noble mission of decreasing World Suck, and, man, I am grateful to them both for that important work. If Robin and I have a calling at Shrinking Violets, it would be to decrease World Insistence That There is Only One Way to Publication, Marketing & Success. Okay, that just isn't nearly as catchy as decreasing World Suck, so we're going to have to work on it.

Elizabeth Gilbert , author of the transforming Eat Pray Love, has a terrific essay on writing  that you really ought to read. The whole thing. It's marvelous. It has much to say about living, and not just writing. And just fyi, she and Anne Lamott are doing some gigs together now.  I'm upgrading my dream to have lunch with Anne. Now I want to have dinner with Anne and Liz together after some show. Liz/Anne, click here to RSVP with me. 

Okay, but I digress. Here is an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert's provocative essay.

"Nobody can tell you how to succeed at writing (even if they write a book called “How To Succeed At Writing”) because there is no WAY; there are, instead, many ways. Everyone I know who managed to become a writer did it differently – sometimes radically differently. Try all the ways, I guess. Becoming a published writer is sort of like trying to find a cheap apartment in New York City: it’s impossible. And yet… every single day, somebody manages to find a cheap apartment in New York City. I can’t tell you how to do it. I’m still not even entirely sure how I did it. I can only tell you – through my own example – that it can be done. I once found a cheap apartment in Manhattan. And I also became a writer."

In writing, selling for publication, and marketing your work, we invite you to honor-- heck,celebrate-- the unique artist that you are. When you created your work, you used your own voice. Why in the name of heaven would you abandon it in marketing?

This, from another writer, to further illuminate our way. "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." (Cool, thanks, Will.)

Here's to your inimatable voice and style-- trust it to take you exactly where you need to go.

Mary Hershey

Original post August 20th, 2007

On Finding Your Own Way to Success

Ask a hundred writers or illustrators or inventors or Olympians how one can achieve success, and you'll get that many different, enthusiastic and evangelical responses. It is a condition of our humanity that we each are enamored with our own hardwon path, and want to share it with EVERYONE. And everyone should follow it-- because we do love to be right and we do love to help.

Author John Green and his brother have devoted themselves to a noble mission of decreasing World Suck, and, man, I am grateful to them both for that important work. If Robin and I have a calling at Shrinking Violets, it would be to decrease World Insistence That There is Only One Way to Publication, Marketing & Success. Okay, that just isn't nearly as catchy as decreasing World Suck, so we're going to have to work on it.

Elizabeth Gilbert , author of the transforming Eat Pray Love, has a terrific essay on writing that you really ought to read. The whole thing. It's marvelous. It has much to say about living, and not just writing. And just fyi, she and Anne Lamott are going to do a gig together at UCLA next Spring. I'm upgrading my dream to have lunch with Anne. Now I want to have dinner with Anne and Liz together after the show. Liz/Anne, click here to RSVP with me. I know all the best places to park near the university. :-]

Okay, but I digress. Here is an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert's provocative essay.

"Nobody can tell you how to succeed at writing (even if they write a book called “How To Succeed At Writing”) because there is no WAY; there are, instead, many ways. Everyone I know who managed to become a writer did it differently – sometimes radically differently. Try all the ways, I guess. Becoming a published writer is sort of like trying to find a cheap apartment in New York City: it’s impossible. And yet…every single day, somebody manages to find a cheap apartment in New York City. I can’t tell you how to do it. I’m still not even entirely sure how I did it. I can only tell you – through my own example – that it can be done. I once found a cheap apartment in Manhattan. And I also became a writer."

In writing, selling for publication, and marketing your work, we invite you to honor-- heck, celebrate-- the unique artist that you are. When you created your work, you used your own voice. Why in the name of heaven would you abandon it in marketing?

This, from another writer, to further illuminate our way. "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." (Cool, thanks, Will.)

Here's to your inimatable voice and style-- trust it to take you exactly where you need to go.

Mary

Mary's Take: More Pearls from SCBWI National

It's been great fun visting blogs this week and reading about other people's experiences at Nationals. Though we all attended the same conference, we each left with such different things.

In conference years past, I've taken reams of notes and handouts and freebies and business cards and lengthy lists of all the books I want to read the first hot second I get home. I've literally sucked the marrow from the bone, then earnestly picked my teeth so as not to miss a mini-morsel.

This year, while I wanted to immerse, I also wanted to be more discerning and intentional. I planned to pace myself, rebalance from the demands of my day job, and sit in a quiet place of observation and gratitude. Oh, yeah, and try to breathe and not freak out that I was going to do my first workshop at Nationals. Like in front of people and everything, for god's sake.

Here are the pearls that I've brought home with me:

From "Self Branding for Writers & Illustrators" with Priscilla Burns and Marilyn Scott-Waters. "If you try to be everything, you end of being nothing." Also memorable from this session was a bizarre snafu with their Power Point, so the following slide would not stop coming up. It is imprinted on my mind. It's attributed to Ray Bradbury. "Dream yourself bigger than you have been dreaming yourself." Wow, you know? How many of us do that? Let's start now. G-O.

I loved the "Writing the GLBTQ (Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Questioning) Book" session with Ellen Wittinger, who I now have on my list of People I Truly Adore. I went into the session questioning whether the hets (aka "straight" folk) should/could be writing books with GLBTQ characters. I left convinced. Uh, yes! Ellen spoke passionately about starting with the universal core of the character, and adding the layers that include gender, preferences, family, culture, etc. And doing the necessary research so that you can create as authentic voice as possible. I'm going to write her a very sappy fan letter when I finish this blog tonight.

John Green is probably feeling like the Most Popular Boy at the Conference judging by the number of odes sung to him in various blogs. I'll add mine because he deserves it. This nugget got me in the solar plexus. "Writing is as much translation as creation." And, "... the truth does not lie in the facts. It lies in the people." Finally, he referenced the concept of "radical hope" a number of times, and I'll just leave that with you. The combination of those two words makes me feel a bit breathless. There is a combustible quality to them. John, if you're reading this, could you tell me where this comes from? I'll send you one of our nifty Shrinking Violet mugs if you click here. I'm quite certain you don't have one yet. :-]

Finally, here are just a few other things that I loved about Summer Conference. And, topping the list are my gorgeous writing group buds my Fairy Godmother Lee Wardlaw and Thalia Chaltas, author of the soon to be released YA novel in poems, Furniture, Viking, 2008.

~*~ Meeting Cynthia Leitich Smith in the flesh! She is as remarkable and generous as I guessed and hoped she would be.

~*~ Seeing a pal that didn't think she was going to get to come, but at the last minute her Fairy Godmother gifted her the trip and she was ever so happy and it was the coolest thing EVER!(Yes, I have had a lot of diet coke this afternoon! You can tell by the number of !!!! points I'm using.)

~*~ Seeing a woman in a T-shirt that read "I Prefer to Consider Myself Pre-Published". Awesome.

~*~ Having the One and Only Sue Alexander in my class. Wow. Signing a book for her. Wow to the n-thiest power.

And, bringing us all the way back around to Marketing for Introverts, a-hem, a final thought. In the gestalt kind of place that I worked to inhabit during the conference, I was struck by the absolute diversity of speakers and styles. I'm sure that Lin Oliver and Stephen Mooser select their faculty with that in mind.

And yet, we tend to think that there is only ONE WAY to promote yourself and your work. How can that be?? How can you take this great diverse mix of people and expect that they should all do it the same way? Makes not sense whatsoever. That's all I'm saying. Least for now. :->

Later, friends--

Mary